Baby Memoirs – Thou Shall Not Presume

If I recall, it was a Tuesday morning that my wife came in to wake me with the usual aroma and sight of a coffee cup in hand, but an extremely unusual look on her face.  Despite the morning grogginess, I knew before she opened her mouth, which was confirmed once she did open it, the grocery store pregnancy test had come up positive.  

I have been accused of being a skeptic in the past and admittedly I am not one to “take another’s word” for things very often.   I tend to prefer using my own judgment to draw my own conclusions based on whatever facts are presented.  This is especially true prior to getting myself all worked up about things that carry any sort of significance or importance.  

So it took me all of one minute to jump out of bed to grab the testing device and then rip through the trash to find the box the test came in.  I needed to read for myself what my wife was telling me, which is these tests are 99 percent accurate.  After a bit of deliberation, the obvious next step was to throw on a hat and just enough clothes to disguise the fact I had only woken up four minutes ago, and off I went to the grocery store.   I needed more confirmation than just one $19.99  grocery store device made of plastic would or could provide, so I proceeded to buy four tests, making sure each was from a different manufacturer, just to make certain we were going to get an accurate reading. 

Well, after returning home and four pee’s later, we were now four out of four positive.  So if each test is 99 percent accurate and all four are coming up positive, do you know what the odds are of it being a false positive?  I don’t know either, but I do know they are really damn low. 

Nevertheless, I was still not fully convinced and vowed to keep my emotions in check until we saw the doctor to get  further corroboration.  A doctor would surely know and provide a little certainty for me.   Well, after the blood tests and the vaginal sonogram incident, the doctor pretty well guaranteed we were in fact going to have a baby.   

You’d think I would be totally convinced at this point, but I wasn’t.   It’s not that I do not want to have a baby, it is that I simply cannot believe we are having a baby.  Having a baby is what other people do.  I keep thinking this has to be some sort of perfectly planned joke that everyone but me is in on. 

The whole sonogram bit could easily be explained by a well executed set up.  There could be fake images on the monitor and a few under the table c-notes could easily get a doctor and nurses to play right along.  The pooch in my wife’s belly?  That could also be easily explained by all the leftover Halloween candy she’s been munching on.  Thinking it through a bit further, if the “alleged” due date was in May, this could easily be some sort of prolonged April Fool’s Day prank as well. 

Make no mistake, we already have a fussy baby in the household; it is me.  This is why it just doesn’t seem real that I am going to be fathering something that only has two legs.  I’m already a father of three wonderful but often times difficult four-legged babies, so to speak.  I would walk to the end of the earth for my French Bulldogs and I love them beyond explanation, but they are indeed a decent sized responsibility.  Having a real baby is of course a different ballgame altogether and obviously a far more serious commitment. 

I mean, what sort of hypocrite will I be to tell my kid to eat all five food groups, or brush their teeth before bed, or pay attention in school, or not to drink milk straight from the carton, when I am and/or was a perfect zero out of four on doing those items?   

There is one major hitch with my views and excuses on all this though.  Mainly, it is that I know full well not a single one of my arguments holds any water.  Alone with my thoughts late at night and void of the usual distractions of the day, it’s a bit harder to B.S. when it is only me around to hear it.  Clearly I have been trying to delude myself into believing that my wife being pregnant is somehow still a maybe.   On a much deeper level, I think this deluding comes down to the concept of presumptiveness, which in all seriousness is a subject I have very strong feelings about. 

I’ve learned some extremely tough lessons in both life and business from presuming anything is 100 percent, because I’ve learned that absolutely nothing is.  It’s real simple.  You never count your money until it is in the bank and you never count your chickens before they hatch.  Period.

I am far from being Mr. Shrewd with all of life’s answers, but if there is any single bit of wisdom I’ve taken in from life thus far, it is to never presume anything is guaranteed and to always remain humble when expecting something.   No matter what the circumstance, I know full well there will always be powers above and beyond my immediate control.   

This philosophy is one that I’ve learned to live by and it makes a good deal of sense to me, which is not to mention it has a major secondary benefit.  That is, it serves as a very worthy self protection mechanism to cushion the blows of the inevitable disappointments life seems to deal out so freely.  Very few people in this world, if any at all, are exempt from this universal truth.   I think what I am trying to say is; if anything were to go wrong with the pregnancy or birth of my child, it would rip my heart to shreds in a manner that is beyond fathom.       

Many will say that to even consider something could go wrong is nothing short of a crime and displays a total lack of faith.  I am by no means a pessimist and am also a huge believer of the power of positive thinking, just so long as it does not come at the rose-colored expense of realistic thinking.  The language I understand best is one of percentages and I am quite aware that the probability of all going well is quite high.    

I know others may not process or see things in this same kind of way, and I also know others may disagree with my perspective; neither of which would be a first time occurrence.  But in my way of thinking, being able to take part in having a baby is a gift rather than a right.  I do not want, and will not ever, take for granted or presume this gift has already been received.  So for now, I can say only that I know the odds are in my favor and they are getting better each and every day.   I do my best to take some measure of comfort in knowing this.