Baby Memoirs - Things are Starting to Get Weird

I guess we are at what you would call, halfway through the second trimester now.  Up to this point, I’ve realized that most of the oddness and apprehension about all things baby have been self inflicted by my own male brain and generally unusual emotional topography.  But “times they are a changing”, as things are starting to get weird and this time much of the weirdness has nothing at all to do with me. 

For instance, my normally health conscious wife has always told me she was not going to be one of those people who uses getting pregnant as an excuse to chow down on anything and everything.   She had seen some of her friends do that and she was simply not going to allow it to happen to her.   Given her history, strong mind and overall discipline, I pretty much never gave the issue another thought. 

Uhmmm, this has not exactly panned out as planned though.   There is little question that she is eating more, and not just a little more, but a lot more.   Many will argue that pregnant women are now eating for two and that is the main reason for the increased cravings and need for calories.  I’m guessing it was a pregnant woman who first came up with this genius excuse on behalf of all the other hungry pregnant women out there.   

I am not a doctor or pregnancy expert by any means, but this line of thought makes not even a little sense to me.   By my math, and using my wife as an example, she is eating for one person (herself), and then is eating give or take for 5 percent of another.   So this would be eating for 1.05 people, rather than eating for 2.   I’m sure this ratio will increase a bit as we move further and the fetus grows larger, but the eating for two bit seems more like a well devised con job than any sort of medical fact. 

It’s almost as though eating for two has become pregnancy lore designed for women, by women, so they can for nine months treat any meal like an All You Can Eat Buffet in Las Vegas, without having to deal with any consequences or feelings of guilt.  I think the message is “if I have to walk around and appear to be getting fatter every day no matter what, you are damn right I am going to eat whatever the hell I want.  And until one of you judgmental on looking men have to walk around looking like a beach ball, you best keep your mouths shut about it.”  I think keeping my mouth shut is probably a decent idea.         

To be fair, it’s not really the quantity of food my wife is eating that I find odd, but rather what it is she wants to eat.  Again, I’ve heard story after story of husbands making late night ice cream parlor or supermarket runs under extreme duress to help settle their craving crazed wives.  Whenever I would hear this, I’d instantly dismiss it as ridiculous or at the very best see it as an extreme exaggeration.  I’m loathe to admit it,  but there are signs we are headed straight down this same path and it is a slippery one to be sure.    

My wife literally craves Mexican Food 24 hours a day.  If we are out and about and trying to decide where to grab a quick bite to eat, I do not even ask anymore, as she is like a heat seeking missile if there is a Taco Bell, Del Taco or El Pollo Loco within a 10 mile radius of where we are at.  Again, for my own safety and respect for what sort of backlash can be inflicted by a crazed pregnant wife, I’m thinking we will put all food topics on the backburner for now.  But still, you have to admit it is all a bit odd.   

Something else I find myself inquiring about, now that my wife is officially “showing”, is if she can feel the baby moving at all.  This is a pretty fascinating concept to me and I am wavering on whether I believe it is occurring  quite yet.  She tells me absolutely yes that she feels it, but it is hard for her to describe.   When I press further, she tells me there is a strange feeling in her stomach that could sort of be likened to having gas.  My personal opinion is the feelings of gas are probably not the baby moving, but rather a byproduct of all the Mexican Food she’s been eating.  She’s pretty emphatic though; there is definitely something brewing down there and I presume she would know much better than I.  Nevertheless, I’m not totally convinced Mexican Food is not still somehow involved, but I’ll also leave this topic alone for now.         

On the subject of weird, something else that I cannot seem to wrap my head around is the whole being intimate with your wife is perfectly OK during this time.   Is there some sort of manual or guide out there (???), because if there is, I need it.  I am not a doctor and am certainly not an expert in anatomy, but common sense tells me a considerable amount of thought needs to go into this process, not only to help protect, but at the very least not startle our new little creation.  

Here is just one example of my many apprehensions on the matter.  I’ve done some reading and have learned that your unborn has an extremely keen sense of hearing during this phase.  They can actually listen to much of what is going on around them outside the womb, including voices, music and whatever else that is making noise. 

Let’s just say the whole noise thing is a bit concerning.  No matter what a child’s age may be, accidentally seeing or hearing your parents “doing it” is going to invoke some level of emotional trauma.  In more severe cases we could be talking about years of undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD for short.  I keep thinking, is this really the way I want to first introduce myself to my precious new child? 

I’m telling you, things are starting to get really weird around here.     



Comments

[Heather Caldwell]

Nice work, Bill. A fun read.

[Annette]

Sounds familiar! I remember thinking, wow, I used to not have to have dessert everyday, but I certainly did while I was pregnant and it's still a hard habit to break. The hardest day was tipping the scales past my husband. But all that food and is worth a fat, happy baby! Congrats!